August 17, 2021

Single Handly the worst day of my life. I have not openly talked about this day ever, until now.

I guess the reason I am choosing to open up about this day now and talk about it is because it is approaching two years and I really just need to get it off of my chest. Since my last post in February a lot has happened. Honestly a lot has happened in the last two years in general. I guess the only way to say what I want to say is to rip off the Band-Aid and just get to it.

I am going to start off by saying this, if you are reading this just to gossip then at least you can have all the facts this time. In order to make this all make sense I'm going to have to go back to the start of 2021.

January 1, 2021. I made a choice and I have since understood why this had to be a part of my story. Although I am not going to go into detail about this day, I will just say it changed my life forever. What happened this day and the next spiraled a series of events that eventually led to August. Let's get to January 8th. Madison & Memphis were with me at my dad's house where I was staying after the fall out from the 1st. Mila (now Reece) & Mariella (Ella) were with their dad in Corpus Christi for Christmas visit and were set to come home the 15th. I got served with paperwork from the courts in Little River County where their dad was coming after me for full custody of them. I had a feeling it was coming, and I did understand why he was doing what he was, even though at this point I had made the best choices I could have in a lot of hard places where there really weren't a lot of options, much less better ones.

Looking back now I know what happened was my brain went into panic and threw me into a sense of mania. (Bi-polar mania is an increased amount of energy and willingness to get things done. It can be way more but at this time this is what it was for me.) I grabbed my two kids and got into the car and immediately drove to De Queen. The place I was most likely to be able to get on my feet the fastest. This was the 8th, a Friday. Court was scheduled for Tuesday, the 12th. I made a phone call to an attorney through a few friends I had. I called another friend that I knew had a rent house coming open and told her I needed it now. I set up an interview at Pilgrims for Monday to prove I had a job. I moved into the house on Sunday & spent all night getting it set up and organized. It was two bedrooms and there were five of us, but I was determined to make it work.

Fast forward to Tuesday and I had a letter of employment from pilgrims, I had a house that I rented with my little bit of savings. I had an attorney I got over the weekend and I walked into court with my head held high because I knew at that point, I had done all that I could to get my baby's home. The judge ordered in my favor and my girls were set to come home on the 15th as agreed. It was far from over though, their dad wanted full custody and he honestly had a lot of anger towards me, he didn't want to give up.

I worked the job at pilgrims until April when I landed an amazing position at Terminix that I was so thankful for. Madison was in Kindergarten, Mila, Ella, & Memphis were going to a babysitter while I worked. When summer came around a close family friend watched them for the summer, and I paid her for it. It wasn't near what anyone else would have charged me for four kids under 6 and I will forever be thankful for her and her mom and everything they did for me and the kids throughout that summer.

Mila played tball and loved it. She was so good, and I was so thankful for a job where I made my own hours so I could be there for all of my kids as they needed me. I was the newest sales rep at Terminix, and I had been given the oldest car in the lineup to drive, this is important later you'll see why. Summer was brutal but throughout this whole 6 to 7 months I was 100% manic and couldn't allow myself to fall into depression and I fully believe my subconscious knew this.

End of July comes, and I reconnected with my now husband, Daniel. I loved him from the very start as he did me. I won't lie though; it was anything but easy trying to stay together though all the things going on around us.

Around August 10th I got served again for a final hearing in the custody battle. It was set for August 17, 2021. In 100% complete transparency I really was doing the absolute best that I could at that time. I made mistakes by all means. Looking back now I can see that I really had a lot of growing up to do even though I already had four kids.

Those few mistakes hit me in the face on that day in court. They were brought to everyone's attention in that courtroom. Including an attempt to come between Daniel & I. I was even accused of lying about being elsewhere than work because my work car was in my driveway broke down and I was driving my personal car to work. My parenting and my personal life were completely torn apart in that court room that day, at no one's fault but my own. Those few mistakes that I made (none of these were illegal or ever put my children in danger) led me to ultimately loosing custody of my two middle daughters to their dad and step mom.

I can still hear the scream I let out in that courtroom that day and it makes me cry to think about. I felt like I never had before, and I completely fell to the floor. I couldn't breathe and I was so confused by what just happened. I was sobbing uncontrollably, and the judge actually called a small recess to allow my family to console me.

Once I was able to gather my composure he went into the details of the custody, my visitation, and all of those details. I had one week to spend with my girls before they were moved 9.5 hours away from me. Two little girls I had spent almost every day with for five years were going to have to leave me. I would only get them 3 days a month, unless there was a break that month in school. They were just as devastated as I was, and I hated everyone who I felt was even remotely responsible for causing this. On the outside I lashed out at everyone else and blamed everyone that I could for this happening. On the inside, I knew it was my fault. I felt my entire soul breaking into a million pieces and I knew my papaw who had passed on was so disappointed in me.

That was the worst part besides not getting to spend my days with them. The extreme feeling of so many people being disappointed in me. However, I will say, none of those mistakes were worthy of me losing my girls. I still stand by that to this day. However, looking back now I completely understand why it happened and I fully believe it was part of Gods plan to help me realize a lot about myself.

My family didn't abandon me like I was sure they were going too, and Daniel stood by my side thought-out it all. The day after they left, I fell into the deepest depression I had ever fallen into. Even to this day I have not ever been as low as I was for the next 3 months. I lost my job because I really couldn't get myself up to go. I was so depressed, and I just laid in the bed with Memphis every day and slept so much. Daniel loved me in and out every single day. He moved in and took complete responsibility of all of my bills and his. He stepped up and became the father to four children that weren't even his. I cry even writing this because I look back and see just how much he loved me. He was determined to get me back to whatever new version of normal he could.

Over those three months I made choices to hurt so many people out of spite, including my children's step mother. What I would do to take those back now. She is nothing short of an angel. She loves my girls just as much as she does her own blood children. I honestly couldn't ask for more.

Throughout the last two years I have had a lot of eye-opening moments. I tried to complete hair school and just wasn't able to do it. I started to put the pieces together that my mood changes and the feelings I was feeling weren't just "depression." There was more to it. I was able to get correctly diagnosed with Bipolar 1, ADHD, & PTSD. I realized that as much as I wanted and still want my girls here with me, that I am extremely blessed. They are loved by so many and there is nothing bad about that. Their dad, second mom, and I have had our fair share of ups and downs. The first two years have been anything but easy. I had to realize that it didn't matter what others thought about me loosing custody of them because they had no idea what I was going through. Much less the situation surrounding it. I realized that their dad having full custody of them DID NOT make me a bad mom. It didn't make me any less their mom than I was before. In all reality, we made those babies, and I would ALWAYS be their mother no matter where they are. I realized that it's okay to make mistakes, were all going to make them. However, they are all going to have consequences. Sometimes those consequences aren't fair, and they are way harsher than we really deserve. I realized that hurting others because I was hurting was no way to be. I had to take responsibility for my actions and realize that it was my fault this happened and mine only.

I'm thankful to be able to write this today and tell you I just spent such a fun summer with my four kids. My girls started school today. Reece went to second and Ella to first and they absolutely loved it. They really have a good school that they attend, and I am as involved as I can be from 9.5 hours away. I wish they were going to school with my other two because it's all I've ever pictured is all my babies in school together and making sure they're all taken care of. Their second mom and I have such a good relationship and she has forgiven me for the choices I made two years ago. Reece is an absolute softball star and Ella, well she's more like me and not much of an athlete. HA! She says her favorite sport is nap time.

Today has been bittersweet and honestly, I have cried A LOT. I am so proud of how far I have come in these two years. I am far from perfect, but I have made so much progress with my mental health. I've grown into a woman in these last two years. I've become the mother I want to be, and I am so proud of the growth.

That day forever changed my life. As awful as it was, I will forever be thankful for it. It led me to where I am today and allowed me to grow in ways, I never imagined I would. I still have major issues with confrontation, but I have developed such good communication skills. I have been able to express concerns and wants in a grown and loving way. I even vacationed in Corpus for Mother's Day and watched my baby girl dominate the softball field.

This is part of my life story, and I am no longer ashamed to share it. It helped mold me into the woman and mother I am today. As far as the future goes, I am leaving that to God. I have full faith he will guide me in the direction I need to go.

For those of you that helped me through out that year I can't thank you enough. Every single one of you. Thank you all for loving me no matter what. For showing me, I was worth more than what I was feeling and for pushing me forward. I know I was a lot of very stubborn and I don't even know what else. If I haven't ever told you, just know you played a huge part in my life, and I will forever be thankful.

I am here to say don't ever be ashamed of the mistakes you have made. Do not live your life regretting your past. It has made you who you are today and even though you may not be proud of the person you are yet, you will be.

So much love,

xoxoxo

Megan G <3