How did I get here?

Honestly when I look back at my life (what I can remember, we will get to why I can't remember a lot soon) at 20 I remember telling myself in my own mind that I was going to have a store front by 25. That was my goal. I had no idea the little things I created in a state of hypo mania would actually get me to where I am today. Let me explain what hypo mania is really quickly, at least give you the run down. Mania is doing things you normally wouldn't do. I mean LIFE CHANGING things. Moving across the country, spending your entire savings, leaving your family. Hypo mania is doing those things as well but just not so extreme. It's what a lot of people with bipolar disorder consider their "normal." What they would be like all the time if they didn't have the extreme highs and lows. Lows, man they're awful. Feeling a sense of hopelessness. Life everything is bad, and your life is falling apart. It's all you can see. Negativity. "Well just change your thought process." Listen, if it was EASY, I can promise you anyone with Bipolar would LIVE in hypo mania if we had a choice. We don't choose to feel the ways we do, there's a chemical issue in our brain.

I can see my bipolar disorder starting about 18. The first triggers I can remember that send me spiraling into an unimaginable low we're such little things looking back yet at that time they created such a negative impact. I remember moving out of my mom and stepdads house with my three-month-old daughter. They begged me not too, to just stay home with them. Hindsight. I was determined to make my "family" work. I am not going to mention names in anything I speak on but let me just say now, I am going to be 100% honest and transparent about my feelings and what happened. This is MY truth, MY story. I remember sitting Madi on the counter and fixing dinner only for no one to show up. Don't get me wrong, I am no longer hurting over these things that happened to me. Especially this person in general I have completely dealt with all of the feelings I have had and let those go. Like I said, I'm simply tell you where this started. It sent me spiraling. To be honest, my oldest daughter was planned. I was terrified of going off to college and I had no idea what I was going to do so far away from home. I didn't even have friends in high school, and I was terrified of people and always felt like everyone was out to get me or hurt me. I had a full ride, and this was the sure proof way to throw that out the window.

I worked that whole 7 months after graduation. I was 18 and I was going to make sure my baby that I was going to have would be taken care of. Hell, or high water. Just going to apologize to my parents now if they're reading this because they thought she was an accident. I was manipulated on such an extreme level. I don't even know how I believed some of the things I did. I am not here to hurt anyone. Just because this is how it has transpired with me doesn't mean it will be that way with someone else. Let me tell you though, I was emotionally abused to such an extreme that if it wouldn't have been for Madison, I can promise you I would not be here. I was cheated on, while pregnant with a baby we planned. I have no doubt this relationship and the one before it that was so similar without a baby involved 100% caused my bipolar to explode. I am not blaming them for my disorder by any means. I was born with the genes. It's always been here lurking in the shadows, waiting on something to awaken it. This sadly, was it.

This may have been what activated it, but I will tell you it has continued to get worse with age. It's so present now that I don't even know how to deal with it yet. I haven't ever planned to off my life. I became a mom so young that I always had something to live for. So many people ask me why did you have so many kids so close together and the answer is mania. They gave me a reason to live when I was depressed and felt like I had nothing. I could create this life and grow a human inside of me and then give it life. It was and will always be the greatest thing for me.

What does mania look like? For me, the first one I can remember was packing my whole life up and moving across the country with my mom to try to start over and run away from all of the hurt I had always felt in this suffocating place I felt like I couldn't escape. In doing that I met someone and got married so fast (mania) just to have a "family." I haven't ever thought anything through and looked at the possible consequences of my choices. I've just made the choices and delt with whatever came my way. I don't advise it, it's way harder this way. I moved home and then once again in a panic of mania moved myself and partner and then 4 children right back across the country only to end right back up where I am from in the end. Funny how that works.

Mania. Hypomania. I dyed my hair lime green y'all. Not just green, LIME GREEN. I think it was an attempt to find myself and this was probably the closest I came to being able to understand myself. So many people called me crazy and thought I was losing my mind. Funny thing is I was on a journey to just find it. To find me. I have opened I don't even know how many online stores. Memphis Apparel, Llama Mama & Co, Trippie Hippie Soaps, Three Treasured Mermaids, ALL in hypo mania. I haven't had business classes, Hell, I can't even make it through cosmetology school and that's my passion. My depression kicks in and there I go spiraling down. A trigger that sends me down is feeling like I'm not good enough or I have failed at something. Thats what started this. Feelings like I wasn't ever good enough and that I couldn't do anything right. Of course, in school I was going to make mistakes and some of those were just enough to send me right down. Some of the best times of my life came from my mania & hypo mania. Some of the stupidest things I have ever done have come from there too.

I guess today is telling you, the best I can what it's like to live with this disorder. One of the many I battle with daily. I haven't found anything that works yet, medication wise at least. When I do I promise I will let y'all know. For so many years I have just been told "your depressed." Maybe so but the things I do when I am not depressed aren't the "normal" in society. Who wants to be that anyways. My brain complications make me unique and different. They make me unafraid of the things anyone else would be terrified of.

Today writing this I not only discovered where my bipolar disorder started, I also uncovered a trigger that causes me to spiral. Yall dont know how good that feels. Writing has forced me to sit still and really reflect and think about myself and my feelings. Im thankful for every single thing i have endured, overcome, continue to fight, and will fight.

If you can relate to any of this and feel like you may be suffering from Bipolar disorder, PLEASE speak with your doctor. There is help out there.

xoxo, Megan.